Hope

Why is it so hard to hope at times...
It's actually easier to not hope, because then you don't get let down if what you are hoping for doesn't happen. Which if you want to dig deep and really find the root issue of why it is hard for you to hope it can be many things such as: fear of rejection, self hatred, lack of confidence...you name it.
I struggled with fear of rejection for a good part of my high school years up until last fall when God showed me how I was letting it keep me from living my life. Praise Jesus He has set me free from this and I am walking in freedom! And this is why I have a hard time hoping for some things..because my first reaction is to protect myself from being rejected.

I think God is challenging me to hope for something that seems quite impossible right now...and it's the hardest thing I've ever done. But I am going to do what seems quite crazy,ridiculous, and at times feels stupid, and hope-for the impossible.

The New Covenant

Since being at YWAM Denver in the School of Worship God has been teaching me and showing me things that have completely blown me away and totally changed my mindset of how I view God and myself.

I've been redeemed. I no longer have to live in the old covenant. When Jesus died on the cross and the veil was torn God released Himself in a new way and through Jesus made the New Covenant. I'm now surrounded by the mercy, grace, and favor of the Lord. I know there is still more revelation of this to come in my life, but now, just being able to walk out what I know God has called me to be and already sees me as is huge breakthrough in my life. I am able to approach His throne even when I've just committed a terrible sin, ask for forgiveness and then move on. I don't have to dwell in the past, in my sins, because He's already washed me clean. I'm so thankful that God made a way for us to live in the New Covenant and not be bound by religious rules and regulations. He wants our hearts, minds, and souls. He desires an intimate relationship!

I've been set free from the fear of failure in my own life. Back in 2006 I made a commitment to God to not date for 5 years. Since then I have never allowed the thought of being in a relationship before the end of the 5 years a reality. A couple weeks ago God completely repainted this. I was to the point where my commitment had become a safety net and a comfort zone. I could keep a guy at arms length and never allow him to get close. Even if God was opening the door to a release before my 5 years was up. If i went through that door I would see myself as a failure. My life would be over and God would be so upset with me. (this is the old covenant mindset). But! God has revealed to me that if He does release me before my 5years is complete it is because of His mercy and favor in my life! Now I can confidently walk through this door with the permission of the Lord and be ok with not finishing the 5 years. I was not ok with that 3 weeks ago. I have no idea if I will even be in the situation to walk through it before then, but i trust God and His timing and I know that He will bring me into the life of someone in His perfect timing.

God is faithful to complete the work which He has started in me. And in the past 2 weeks I've experienced that faithfulness in a whole new measure.

A Heart's Desire.

mmmmm..I love me some high pulp orange juice on a snowy morning in Utah, on the 24th of May. I'm so ready for summer. So. Ready.

Last night my church had a night of prayer. It went alright. It was really hard to engage. I was distracted and tired and the atmosphere was different than it had been the last time we had a night of prayer. But the worship. Man, the last half of the worship time was so full. I wanted to just lay out on the floor.

During the second service Sunday morning, dad was talking about the prayer service that night and I felt like I needed to come up to the church early and pray and sing for that night.
So, I did. And it was so good. I've become better at playing and singing, which is awesome! Thank you Jesus. :) But I've also become better at singing and playing in the Spirit.
That is what I've wanted for a long time. Ever since I did my internship at the House of Prayer in -Kansas City. I know that it is the Lord who is releasing these things in me. Because I've haven't done anything to be better. The longing in my spirit yesterday was satisfied through playing and singing my heart out to Jesus. I find those times so sweet. It's just me and Jesus loving music together.

I'm about to embark on a new journey with music and I'm so excited! This summer I'm going back to ywam denver and I'm doing a School of Worship.
In a way, It doesn't seem like a reality. Being a part of music in a worship setting or being a song writer has always been a dream and desire of mine, but it hasn't ever really happened until lately. I'm a little scared because I'm afraid that I won't be able to do what I want with music, that I'll forget everything, or something ridiculous like that. I know it's not true. And I am just trusting Jesus. Trusting Him in His faithfulness. God has made a way where there is no way, for me to do this school and I'm blown away. He really does know my hearts desires. He does know how long I've waited for this time, never thinking it would be now. He KNOWS.
Wow. A God that knows. Out of all of the people in the world, God knows my heart. I want to know His as well. I want to know His heart as if it were my own.

Wouldn't that be something.

*it's time to blow the bubbles*

It's been way too long since I've blogged. Here goes....
I got back from Ireland on the 11th of february. It's really good to be back in the states. Ireland was good and I learned a lot. Ireland was unlike any outreach i've been on. I wasn't in a 3rd world country, there was no language barrier(besides the thick accent at times)that required a translator. In a way it was like america. People live there lives, just like they do at home. Pretty much everyone there knows who Jesus is. They are either Catholic or protestant. Not all..but the majority are. Ministering there was difficult.- At times I felt like I did nothing at all. That I made no difference. But I know that God planted seeds in people and encouraged the believers we worked with. We as christians have Jesus inside of us, which is light&truth. When we walk-no matter where it is-we bring the light of Christ with us. Knowing that, knowing that Jesus' name was proclaimed in places that haven't had that before made an impact in the spiritual realm.

I learned that I have to choose jesus every day. & I already knew this...but I had a revelation of it in a different way. It took me going to another country to realize there are areas in my life where I have compromised in my walk with God. Things I long for, to experience, to be apart of that I had given up on. Or tried to convince myself that I would be fine without them. & when I talk about the things of the Lord that I want to experience,I'm talking about Holy Spirit encounters. I want to see dead people raised, I want to be the one who prays for the dead baby & she comes back to life. I want to see blind see, I want to have dreams and visions, I want to be a woman who walks in the prophetic and lives boldly for Christ. I want spiritual transportation to happen. Take me to the third heaven Jesus! oooohh how I long for more of Jesus.
It took Ireland for me to be completely honest with myself and admit that I was loosing the desire to pursue Him. And that's something I want to keep first and foremost. To pursue Him and not the gifts He gives. Not go before Him expecting things for myself, but to lavish my love on Him. Being in the place where loving Him is enough. Even if He doesn't take me to those places I desire, i still trust Him. I still know He is a faithful and trustworthy God.
The other day I was blowing bubbles for a precious little boy I am nannying. He wanted to hold the bubble bottle and I gave it to him.- He started shaking it, tried everything to get the bubbles to come out, but he couldn't get the lid off. As this was happening I felt God show me something.
We can tend to be like that with our spiritual giftings. We can have them in a bubble bottle and try shaking them and stirring them, but until we take the lid off and pull them out and blow they won't be released. We won't grow until we allow God to open the "lid". It may be a silly illustration, but I like it. & I get it. :) Do you?