dates

There are many dates that have changed my life or impacted it in some way. Technically every day has potential to be that.  To be that "date" that makes history or the date that I will look back on & remember  for some reason or another, whether that be good or bad.

 Tomorrow will be one of those dates. 

Tomorrow is the day I say goodbye to being a Nanny, as that has been my day job for the past two years. 

Two years. Same routine.Same faces. Familiarity. 

Life gets to be pretty familiar when you work the same job for two years & beyond. It gets familiar before that I'm sure, but in this case it is very familiar in this time.

Why did you quit some may ask?

Well, long story short-

Partly because it is just time to move on. Also the scheduling was starting to not really work with my current living situation and other activities that I was involved in or wanted to be, but couldn't without having to ask to be off early. Which is ok for a time, but it's not really fair to continually ask for early off.

And then there's just the simple fact of:

 I am drained out when it comes to mentally being the care-taker for children day-in & day-out. 

I can't be to the kids right now who they need me to be & my heart isn't there to even want that & I decided it was best & probably a sign that I needed to step down. 

 I love them. That I do. 

They have taught me so much in how fragile, yet strong children are. 

They are so moldable & believe (most) the things you say to be truth. 

I saw the good, the bad, and the down right ugly when it comes to being a nanny & taking care of other people's kids. 

It can be so rewarding & yet It is so hard.

Yes, there are the fun days & the good days, but there are also the days where its just a  day filled with fights,whining, accidents, attitudes...you name it.

& I can hear mothers say "well, that's just life; that's kids for ya." 

& my response is Yes. I completely agree. 

But they are not my kids. & that makes a world of difference. 

It's really hard to be in charge of  kids that are allowed to do things and be exposed to things that I just don't agree with. 

Things that steal their innocence of being children.

Why rush the maturity? 

In no way do I mean let's just seal out the world & not be exposed to anything, but there is a point where that is necessary. 

I believe my job as a Mother, whenever that day comes is to guard my children & their purity. 

 I am responsible(for a time) for the things that they see & hear,

& I want to honor them in protecting that until they can themselves...

& i can't help but want to do that as a nanny, but boy, it is so hard when the family you work for has different world views and... just different everything.

I want to believe I made a difference in their lives. 

That I wasn't just "some nanny", but that I was a nanny who imparted to them what a Christ-filled woman should.

I know I failed many times. 

But I pray the Lord overcame in those areas.

These are some of the things I've struggled with & have had to walk through the two years of nannying. 

I know I am not their parent & I definitely had to learn that lesson of not crossing that line beyond what I should.

But honestly I can only take so much before I feel I've just become apathetic 

& the convictions I have just sit by the way-side when it comes to children.

It didn't really hit me till this afternoon/evening that tomorrow is  the end. 

I'm not sure how to feel, really. 

I'm sad, but excited for the new adventure, & very scared at the same time. 

What is my purpose now? 

I've really struggled with that this week. What the heck am I going to do now? 

I don't have a job, I don't know how to do anything else trade-wise to have a full-time paying job.

I am going to be just doing mundane things the rest of my life. 

(this is what i'm thinking)

But then the Lord quickly reminded me of what my purpose truly is.

My purpose is to love God with every fiber of my being.

To be honest with where I am

& 

Believe He will never leave me alone in this.

There is light at the end of the tunnel

& I am going to walk into it confidently knowing I'm already taken care of.

Forever. 

Because I am His.

& He is mine.

It's going to be ok

Almost a year to the day since I've blogged.  Where does the time go?  I really don't know how it can already be coming upon the holiday season again.   2012 is almost over!  Which means 2013 is just around the corner.   

 I am ready for 2012 to end in all honesty.  It's been a full year; a good one, but a very difficult one as well.  
It's time for a new season. New seasons of healing & growth; it's time to be the woman my Abba has created me to be. 

This season I have recently been in has been a very tough, trying time.  I'm seeing sides of myself that I haven't seen before; sides that I don't like in any way, shape, or form.  In some ways I wonder if I'm seeing my heart for the very first time in all its darkness- seeing the heart without an filters & just being truly honest with myself for the first time in a while...

 As I think about that, it terrifies me to think that I've been lying to myself and to other people.  Was who I used to be a lie? Is that girl that I was still in there somewhere? Has she become so overwhelmed with confusion & numbness that she lays dormant, lost somewhere inside? 
 That's what it seems to be at the moment. & that breaks my heart...how did I get to this place?  Why is my heart so lifeless?   

 Yet, even in this time, I know God is still good. I know He is faithful in all He does.  He isn't the one who has changed, I have changed. 

As to what has brought these changes about, I can't really pinpoint an exact moment or a certain exchange other than....life...life happened.  I got busy, I let my self-discipline in being consistently in the Word lack.  I let my heart & mind dwell on things that were unimportant and let the True Love of my heart get overtaken by the wanna-be- lovers.

...Wanna-be-lovers....they are so deceptive.  You think they have your best interest in mind, that they really are seeking out the best for you. But in reality they are just wanting to take and take. "Give me your time and attention and I will love you", is what they say. But that love is never returned in full.  There is still a sad emptiness that longs to be touched. A heart that needs to be loved. A mind that needs to be touched & healed from all the damage from the "other lovers". 

You would think after a while that I would realize my only source of true, peace-filled, and mind-altering love would come from Christ.  But I still manage to let myself be deceived...maybe because I am afraid of truly being loved; afraid of letting myself be known fully, because I know that full-known self & she isn't pretty.  At times I don't even love her, so why in the world would I want to expose that to someone else & expect them to love her when I can't?
I'm in a place of what I feel has been forbidden...forbidden because I said that it was forbidden.  If I won't let myself get there then I won't have to deal with any of those things. My life is good & I've got it all together.  Of course that's the farthest thing from the truth. I don't have it all together, nor do I really want to.  The idea of being so in control leaves no room for growth, for mistakes, for failures in trying new things, & for success in trying new things. I can't be someone who is creative, free, loved, and a lover and try to be in control of everything.... 

I don't know it all. I can't know it all.  {& that is ok.} 

So now you see just a glimpse into my {raw} heart in the truest form.  


I can hear my Jesus describing me in this moment to a curious onlooker:
" Is she lovely?" Yes. "Is she broken?" Completely.  "Is she trying to take steps towards healing and walking in the truth of who her precious Abba has made her to be?" Absolutely.

..and this brings Hope that everything will be ok. {I will be ok.}