It's going to be ok

Almost a year to the day since I've blogged.  Where does the time go?  I really don't know how it can already be coming upon the holiday season again.   2012 is almost over!  Which means 2013 is just around the corner.   

 I am ready for 2012 to end in all honesty.  It's been a full year; a good one, but a very difficult one as well.  
It's time for a new season. New seasons of healing & growth; it's time to be the woman my Abba has created me to be. 

This season I have recently been in has been a very tough, trying time.  I'm seeing sides of myself that I haven't seen before; sides that I don't like in any way, shape, or form.  In some ways I wonder if I'm seeing my heart for the very first time in all its darkness- seeing the heart without an filters & just being truly honest with myself for the first time in a while...

 As I think about that, it terrifies me to think that I've been lying to myself and to other people.  Was who I used to be a lie? Is that girl that I was still in there somewhere? Has she become so overwhelmed with confusion & numbness that she lays dormant, lost somewhere inside? 
 That's what it seems to be at the moment. & that breaks my heart...how did I get to this place?  Why is my heart so lifeless?   

 Yet, even in this time, I know God is still good. I know He is faithful in all He does.  He isn't the one who has changed, I have changed. 

As to what has brought these changes about, I can't really pinpoint an exact moment or a certain exchange other than....life...life happened.  I got busy, I let my self-discipline in being consistently in the Word lack.  I let my heart & mind dwell on things that were unimportant and let the True Love of my heart get overtaken by the wanna-be- lovers.

...Wanna-be-lovers....they are so deceptive.  You think they have your best interest in mind, that they really are seeking out the best for you. But in reality they are just wanting to take and take. "Give me your time and attention and I will love you", is what they say. But that love is never returned in full.  There is still a sad emptiness that longs to be touched. A heart that needs to be loved. A mind that needs to be touched & healed from all the damage from the "other lovers". 

You would think after a while that I would realize my only source of true, peace-filled, and mind-altering love would come from Christ.  But I still manage to let myself be deceived...maybe because I am afraid of truly being loved; afraid of letting myself be known fully, because I know that full-known self & she isn't pretty.  At times I don't even love her, so why in the world would I want to expose that to someone else & expect them to love her when I can't?
I'm in a place of what I feel has been forbidden...forbidden because I said that it was forbidden.  If I won't let myself get there then I won't have to deal with any of those things. My life is good & I've got it all together.  Of course that's the farthest thing from the truth. I don't have it all together, nor do I really want to.  The idea of being so in control leaves no room for growth, for mistakes, for failures in trying new things, & for success in trying new things. I can't be someone who is creative, free, loved, and a lover and try to be in control of everything.... 

I don't know it all. I can't know it all.  {& that is ok.} 

So now you see just a glimpse into my {raw} heart in the truest form.  


I can hear my Jesus describing me in this moment to a curious onlooker:
" Is she lovely?" Yes. "Is she broken?" Completely.  "Is she trying to take steps towards healing and walking in the truth of who her precious Abba has made her to be?" Absolutely.

..and this brings Hope that everything will be ok. {I will be ok.}