Thankful

Today I'm thankful for God's constant pursuit of my heart. Sometimes I forget how much He truly does want me, just for me. I realize that I can be really hard on myself and I expect perfection, when I know that it isn't possible for me to ever be that.

I've realized I have held this over myself a lot recently and haven't "allowed" God to love me for me.

But once I acknowledged what I was doing and accepted His unconditional love, I felt such a peace wash over me. That I am enough;just as I am.

The past few weeks I've been praying that the Lord would begin to use me. I want to be one who is not just pursuing the Lord's heart, but who is also pursuing relationships with His people and stepping out to bring His life to others. I want 'rivers of living water' to flow out of my heart.

This past Sunday, I was asked to lead worship at my church. There is no doubt in my mind. This is the Lord answering my prayers. Music is an area where I know I am gifted and I truly come alive in. But, with it being a gift, I also feel it's a weakness. I hardly know any musical theory and I can so easily switch from singing harmony to melody. It's ridiculous.

This is one of those instances where I can either allow God to use me despite my weakness or I can try to hold myself to a perfection that I will never meet.

I choose to believe God will use me in my weakness.

This is such a humbling thing I've been asked to do. It still blows my mind that I get to lead His people in worship.

Who am I that I should get this opportunity?

My only prayer and focus is that this Sunday, the people of Refuge Church encounter God. That they are able to taste His presence in a new way.

Not because I am "leading the way", but because this is my desire for people in worship.

I will not just be up on the stage singing and playing away, but I will be right beside them, desperately wanting to encounter Him.

...For the Glory of the Lamb.

Slow and Steady...

..Wins the race...at least that's what I've been told. And I guess for the most part, it's true. Though a lot of times I don't like that it takes "time". I want results now. Not in 6 months. But having small changes each day/week turns into bigger results over the span of 6 months and that is WAY better than staying the same for the rest of my life.

I've officially lost 18.5 lbs. It seems like it's coming off so slowly these days. The past two weeks I gained, so I lost what I gained plus .5 of a pound. I'm semi- happy with it. I just need to continue to persevere and stay focused & i'll be ok. I'm just irked at myself for having to go through the days where all I want to do is eat something, even though I know I don't want it. But I still eat it, and then i feel like crap and everything I've worked for just goes out the window. I'm tired of it.

Though, I'm sure those days will always come up at some point in life. just for the simple fact of: I am a girl.

Lame.

I have decided that I am going to begin blogging about my weight-loss and self-disciplined journey. The past week has been extremely hard. I'd say one of the hardest yet. It became a battle of continuing to care about why I need to be healthy... and I want to succeed at this. I want to be healthier than I am now and I want to see what I am truly capable of. So, if you'd like to, you are more than welcome to take this journey with me. Kind of be my accountability-via blog- without actually doing anything. Great, huh? :)

One thing that scares me about this is that I have to be vulnerable. And sometimes I just don't want to do that, especially with this topic. But until I face the facts and acknowledge I have a problem, nothing will change. So here I am, acknowledging...

My name is Micha and I am an emotional eater.

I hate this about myself. I hate that when I get overwhelmed and when things get tough my first thought is to go to food and not to the Lord, or to read my bible & pray. Or to go run off the stress. It's to food. Why? I've yet to get to the "root" issue, but I'm sure it will surface soon enough.

I've discovered that I am my own worst enemy. It's all in the mind. I eat to satisfy my mental/emotional cravings (for the most part).

In January I started doing the Weight Watchers program online. I did it for about two weeks and then lost all motivation and made up several excuses as to why i should not have to count my daily points and should be allowed to eat whatever I wanted. After a few weeks of this I finally found some determination and lost about 8 lbs. I was excited, saw what hard work could do and then...fell "off the wagon" as some would say. Then in March I decided I was going to give all my effort into it and not focus so much on the "loosing", but focus on being self-controlled and disciplined. This helped me so much! It was amazing to see how with one little change in the mind, things began to change outwardly. I have now lost 18lbs since january and it's awesome!

....and then last week happened.

It was that time of the month..you know..the dreaded .

and that's all I'm going to say about that.

..needless to say all that "self-control" went out the freaking window. More like I threw it out the window. ha! And now I am regretting it. Greatly.

I 've gained 3 lbs..but that's to be expected in some cases and so I'm not too worried about it. What does worry me is my mental state. Where has all the motivation gone?! Why do I have such a hard time wanting to work out and count points. I see the reward in it, so why do i dread doing it?

I know there are "good" days and "bad" days, but, why can't I just have all good ones?

As I say this my next thought is, "Well, Micha, if you had all good days, there wouldn't be much of a struggle and with struggle comes endurance and then comes perseverance and with perseverance comes hope (and results) and hope does not put us to shame, for the Love of God has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us. "

Pretty sure that's 2 verses mixed into one, but that's how I roll sometimes.

You get the idea. I'm becoming a stronger, better person because I am struggling with the issue of weight. Does that even work? How does that work?

...i have no clue.. but when I figure it out I will be sure to let you know.

Today i'm starting fresh. It's a new day and so far I've done really well. I'm still on-track with my points and have plenty left for dinner and maybe a snack after.

I always hate "re-starting" things, just because It takes several days/weeks to feel and see results. When you are in the middle of it, you feel different, feel good, feel like you are actually doing something. So my goal is to get to that feeling. Hoping it won't take weeks to get there again, but we shall see.

Today the Lord reminded me that, "I have not been given a spirit of fear, but of love, power, and self-control" (2tim)

So today, I choose to walk in self-control.

I'm thankful that even through my lack of discipline and my ridiculous love of food, God still loves me and still desires my heart.

..until next time...

a bleeding heart...

Take the world...but give me Jesus. How often do you hear people say that? How often do we really mean it?

An aching to know my Savior in a new & deeper way has begun to be released inside my heart and mind..and I know that part of knowing Him in a greater, more intimate way, means giving up the things of the world. Of letting go.

Letting go. That's a hard one. It's hard to let go of the things i want and desire. It's hard at times, to let go of the ideas I have about God and how He works. And it's hard to let go and "let God" with the people and relationships around me.

Sometimes I think I can save people...sometimes I think its me that is great. But that's SO NOT TRUE!

Recently the Lord has really exposed my own heart to me. I'm selfish. I'm judgmental. I think i'm better than others. I care about what concerns me and not what is the best for everyone else around me.
I don't like this part of my heart. In fact I hate it. I hate that, at times, my flesh wins. I hate that with everything exposed, sometimes I don't know what to do about it. The only thing I know to do is, ask God to change my heart, because He's the only one that can change me.

The other night I watch Thor. I really liked it, but at first I did not like thor at all, because he was this super cocky, prideful baboon. but after his dad banished him to earth he was put through several situations where he was humbled and he realized his depravity. Long story-short, at the end of the movie he had a complete heart-change. He saw how his father had a purpose for banishing him to the earth..that is wasn't in vain. It was a trial. A testing of character. As I'm watching this God reminded me that He does change hearts! Sometimes it seems impossible for heart's to be changed, but with God, He can do it in an instance if He desires! It gives me hope-knowing God is God. That God is ever-so-faithful.

I'm thankful God has given me a heart of flesh & not a heart of stone. In a way I'm thankful He's asked me to live a life of vulnerability. Even though it's hard at times and I don't want to let people in... I heard someone once say that living a vulnerable life is living transparent and it's only when we are transparent that true beauty can shine through....and I like that. I want to be beautiful to people. More-so I just want to be real. No fascade.

Just a broken and bleeding heart that is desiring to know her Savior more each day and not waste it away.