dates

There are many dates that have changed my life or impacted it in some way. Technically every day has potential to be that.  To be that "date" that makes history or the date that I will look back on & remember  for some reason or another, whether that be good or bad.

 Tomorrow will be one of those dates. 

Tomorrow is the day I say goodbye to being a Nanny, as that has been my day job for the past two years. 

Two years. Same routine.Same faces. Familiarity. 

Life gets to be pretty familiar when you work the same job for two years & beyond. It gets familiar before that I'm sure, but in this case it is very familiar in this time.

Why did you quit some may ask?

Well, long story short-

Partly because it is just time to move on. Also the scheduling was starting to not really work with my current living situation and other activities that I was involved in or wanted to be, but couldn't without having to ask to be off early. Which is ok for a time, but it's not really fair to continually ask for early off.

And then there's just the simple fact of:

 I am drained out when it comes to mentally being the care-taker for children day-in & day-out. 

I can't be to the kids right now who they need me to be & my heart isn't there to even want that & I decided it was best & probably a sign that I needed to step down. 

 I love them. That I do. 

They have taught me so much in how fragile, yet strong children are. 

They are so moldable & believe (most) the things you say to be truth. 

I saw the good, the bad, and the down right ugly when it comes to being a nanny & taking care of other people's kids. 

It can be so rewarding & yet It is so hard.

Yes, there are the fun days & the good days, but there are also the days where its just a  day filled with fights,whining, accidents, attitudes...you name it.

& I can hear mothers say "well, that's just life; that's kids for ya." 

& my response is Yes. I completely agree. 

But they are not my kids. & that makes a world of difference. 

It's really hard to be in charge of  kids that are allowed to do things and be exposed to things that I just don't agree with. 

Things that steal their innocence of being children.

Why rush the maturity? 

In no way do I mean let's just seal out the world & not be exposed to anything, but there is a point where that is necessary. 

I believe my job as a Mother, whenever that day comes is to guard my children & their purity. 

 I am responsible(for a time) for the things that they see & hear,

& I want to honor them in protecting that until they can themselves...

& i can't help but want to do that as a nanny, but boy, it is so hard when the family you work for has different world views and... just different everything.

I want to believe I made a difference in their lives. 

That I wasn't just "some nanny", but that I was a nanny who imparted to them what a Christ-filled woman should.

I know I failed many times. 

But I pray the Lord overcame in those areas.

These are some of the things I've struggled with & have had to walk through the two years of nannying. 

I know I am not their parent & I definitely had to learn that lesson of not crossing that line beyond what I should.

But honestly I can only take so much before I feel I've just become apathetic 

& the convictions I have just sit by the way-side when it comes to children.

It didn't really hit me till this afternoon/evening that tomorrow is  the end. 

I'm not sure how to feel, really. 

I'm sad, but excited for the new adventure, & very scared at the same time. 

What is my purpose now? 

I've really struggled with that this week. What the heck am I going to do now? 

I don't have a job, I don't know how to do anything else trade-wise to have a full-time paying job.

I am going to be just doing mundane things the rest of my life. 

(this is what i'm thinking)

But then the Lord quickly reminded me of what my purpose truly is.

My purpose is to love God with every fiber of my being.

To be honest with where I am

& 

Believe He will never leave me alone in this.

There is light at the end of the tunnel

& I am going to walk into it confidently knowing I'm already taken care of.

Forever. 

Because I am His.

& He is mine.

It's going to be ok

Almost a year to the day since I've blogged.  Where does the time go?  I really don't know how it can already be coming upon the holiday season again.   2012 is almost over!  Which means 2013 is just around the corner.   

 I am ready for 2012 to end in all honesty.  It's been a full year; a good one, but a very difficult one as well.  
It's time for a new season. New seasons of healing & growth; it's time to be the woman my Abba has created me to be. 

This season I have recently been in has been a very tough, trying time.  I'm seeing sides of myself that I haven't seen before; sides that I don't like in any way, shape, or form.  In some ways I wonder if I'm seeing my heart for the very first time in all its darkness- seeing the heart without an filters & just being truly honest with myself for the first time in a while...

 As I think about that, it terrifies me to think that I've been lying to myself and to other people.  Was who I used to be a lie? Is that girl that I was still in there somewhere? Has she become so overwhelmed with confusion & numbness that she lays dormant, lost somewhere inside? 
 That's what it seems to be at the moment. & that breaks my heart...how did I get to this place?  Why is my heart so lifeless?   

 Yet, even in this time, I know God is still good. I know He is faithful in all He does.  He isn't the one who has changed, I have changed. 

As to what has brought these changes about, I can't really pinpoint an exact moment or a certain exchange other than....life...life happened.  I got busy, I let my self-discipline in being consistently in the Word lack.  I let my heart & mind dwell on things that were unimportant and let the True Love of my heart get overtaken by the wanna-be- lovers.

...Wanna-be-lovers....they are so deceptive.  You think they have your best interest in mind, that they really are seeking out the best for you. But in reality they are just wanting to take and take. "Give me your time and attention and I will love you", is what they say. But that love is never returned in full.  There is still a sad emptiness that longs to be touched. A heart that needs to be loved. A mind that needs to be touched & healed from all the damage from the "other lovers". 

You would think after a while that I would realize my only source of true, peace-filled, and mind-altering love would come from Christ.  But I still manage to let myself be deceived...maybe because I am afraid of truly being loved; afraid of letting myself be known fully, because I know that full-known self & she isn't pretty.  At times I don't even love her, so why in the world would I want to expose that to someone else & expect them to love her when I can't?
I'm in a place of what I feel has been forbidden...forbidden because I said that it was forbidden.  If I won't let myself get there then I won't have to deal with any of those things. My life is good & I've got it all together.  Of course that's the farthest thing from the truth. I don't have it all together, nor do I really want to.  The idea of being so in control leaves no room for growth, for mistakes, for failures in trying new things, & for success in trying new things. I can't be someone who is creative, free, loved, and a lover and try to be in control of everything.... 

I don't know it all. I can't know it all.  {& that is ok.} 

So now you see just a glimpse into my {raw} heart in the truest form.  


I can hear my Jesus describing me in this moment to a curious onlooker:
" Is she lovely?" Yes. "Is she broken?" Completely.  "Is she trying to take steps towards healing and walking in the truth of who her precious Abba has made her to be?" Absolutely.

..and this brings Hope that everything will be ok. {I will be ok.}

Thankful

Today I'm thankful for God's constant pursuit of my heart. Sometimes I forget how much He truly does want me, just for me. I realize that I can be really hard on myself and I expect perfection, when I know that it isn't possible for me to ever be that.

I've realized I have held this over myself a lot recently and haven't "allowed" God to love me for me.

But once I acknowledged what I was doing and accepted His unconditional love, I felt such a peace wash over me. That I am enough;just as I am.

The past few weeks I've been praying that the Lord would begin to use me. I want to be one who is not just pursuing the Lord's heart, but who is also pursuing relationships with His people and stepping out to bring His life to others. I want 'rivers of living water' to flow out of my heart.

This past Sunday, I was asked to lead worship at my church. There is no doubt in my mind. This is the Lord answering my prayers. Music is an area where I know I am gifted and I truly come alive in. But, with it being a gift, I also feel it's a weakness. I hardly know any musical theory and I can so easily switch from singing harmony to melody. It's ridiculous.

This is one of those instances where I can either allow God to use me despite my weakness or I can try to hold myself to a perfection that I will never meet.

I choose to believe God will use me in my weakness.

This is such a humbling thing I've been asked to do. It still blows my mind that I get to lead His people in worship.

Who am I that I should get this opportunity?

My only prayer and focus is that this Sunday, the people of Refuge Church encounter God. That they are able to taste His presence in a new way.

Not because I am "leading the way", but because this is my desire for people in worship.

I will not just be up on the stage singing and playing away, but I will be right beside them, desperately wanting to encounter Him.

...For the Glory of the Lamb.

Slow and Steady...

..Wins the race...at least that's what I've been told. And I guess for the most part, it's true. Though a lot of times I don't like that it takes "time". I want results now. Not in 6 months. But having small changes each day/week turns into bigger results over the span of 6 months and that is WAY better than staying the same for the rest of my life.

I've officially lost 18.5 lbs. It seems like it's coming off so slowly these days. The past two weeks I gained, so I lost what I gained plus .5 of a pound. I'm semi- happy with it. I just need to continue to persevere and stay focused & i'll be ok. I'm just irked at myself for having to go through the days where all I want to do is eat something, even though I know I don't want it. But I still eat it, and then i feel like crap and everything I've worked for just goes out the window. I'm tired of it.

Though, I'm sure those days will always come up at some point in life. just for the simple fact of: I am a girl.

Lame.

I have decided that I am going to begin blogging about my weight-loss and self-disciplined journey. The past week has been extremely hard. I'd say one of the hardest yet. It became a battle of continuing to care about why I need to be healthy... and I want to succeed at this. I want to be healthier than I am now and I want to see what I am truly capable of. So, if you'd like to, you are more than welcome to take this journey with me. Kind of be my accountability-via blog- without actually doing anything. Great, huh? :)

One thing that scares me about this is that I have to be vulnerable. And sometimes I just don't want to do that, especially with this topic. But until I face the facts and acknowledge I have a problem, nothing will change. So here I am, acknowledging...

My name is Micha and I am an emotional eater.

I hate this about myself. I hate that when I get overwhelmed and when things get tough my first thought is to go to food and not to the Lord, or to read my bible & pray. Or to go run off the stress. It's to food. Why? I've yet to get to the "root" issue, but I'm sure it will surface soon enough.

I've discovered that I am my own worst enemy. It's all in the mind. I eat to satisfy my mental/emotional cravings (for the most part).

In January I started doing the Weight Watchers program online. I did it for about two weeks and then lost all motivation and made up several excuses as to why i should not have to count my daily points and should be allowed to eat whatever I wanted. After a few weeks of this I finally found some determination and lost about 8 lbs. I was excited, saw what hard work could do and then...fell "off the wagon" as some would say. Then in March I decided I was going to give all my effort into it and not focus so much on the "loosing", but focus on being self-controlled and disciplined. This helped me so much! It was amazing to see how with one little change in the mind, things began to change outwardly. I have now lost 18lbs since january and it's awesome!

....and then last week happened.

It was that time of the month..you know..the dreaded .

and that's all I'm going to say about that.

..needless to say all that "self-control" went out the freaking window. More like I threw it out the window. ha! And now I am regretting it. Greatly.

I 've gained 3 lbs..but that's to be expected in some cases and so I'm not too worried about it. What does worry me is my mental state. Where has all the motivation gone?! Why do I have such a hard time wanting to work out and count points. I see the reward in it, so why do i dread doing it?

I know there are "good" days and "bad" days, but, why can't I just have all good ones?

As I say this my next thought is, "Well, Micha, if you had all good days, there wouldn't be much of a struggle and with struggle comes endurance and then comes perseverance and with perseverance comes hope (and results) and hope does not put us to shame, for the Love of God has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us. "

Pretty sure that's 2 verses mixed into one, but that's how I roll sometimes.

You get the idea. I'm becoming a stronger, better person because I am struggling with the issue of weight. Does that even work? How does that work?

...i have no clue.. but when I figure it out I will be sure to let you know.

Today i'm starting fresh. It's a new day and so far I've done really well. I'm still on-track with my points and have plenty left for dinner and maybe a snack after.

I always hate "re-starting" things, just because It takes several days/weeks to feel and see results. When you are in the middle of it, you feel different, feel good, feel like you are actually doing something. So my goal is to get to that feeling. Hoping it won't take weeks to get there again, but we shall see.

Today the Lord reminded me that, "I have not been given a spirit of fear, but of love, power, and self-control" (2tim)

So today, I choose to walk in self-control.

I'm thankful that even through my lack of discipline and my ridiculous love of food, God still loves me and still desires my heart.

..until next time...

a bleeding heart...

Take the world...but give me Jesus. How often do you hear people say that? How often do we really mean it?

An aching to know my Savior in a new & deeper way has begun to be released inside my heart and mind..and I know that part of knowing Him in a greater, more intimate way, means giving up the things of the world. Of letting go.

Letting go. That's a hard one. It's hard to let go of the things i want and desire. It's hard at times, to let go of the ideas I have about God and how He works. And it's hard to let go and "let God" with the people and relationships around me.

Sometimes I think I can save people...sometimes I think its me that is great. But that's SO NOT TRUE!

Recently the Lord has really exposed my own heart to me. I'm selfish. I'm judgmental. I think i'm better than others. I care about what concerns me and not what is the best for everyone else around me.
I don't like this part of my heart. In fact I hate it. I hate that, at times, my flesh wins. I hate that with everything exposed, sometimes I don't know what to do about it. The only thing I know to do is, ask God to change my heart, because He's the only one that can change me.

The other night I watch Thor. I really liked it, but at first I did not like thor at all, because he was this super cocky, prideful baboon. but after his dad banished him to earth he was put through several situations where he was humbled and he realized his depravity. Long story-short, at the end of the movie he had a complete heart-change. He saw how his father had a purpose for banishing him to the earth..that is wasn't in vain. It was a trial. A testing of character. As I'm watching this God reminded me that He does change hearts! Sometimes it seems impossible for heart's to be changed, but with God, He can do it in an instance if He desires! It gives me hope-knowing God is God. That God is ever-so-faithful.

I'm thankful God has given me a heart of flesh & not a heart of stone. In a way I'm thankful He's asked me to live a life of vulnerability. Even though it's hard at times and I don't want to let people in... I heard someone once say that living a vulnerable life is living transparent and it's only when we are transparent that true beauty can shine through....and I like that. I want to be beautiful to people. More-so I just want to be real. No fascade.

Just a broken and bleeding heart that is desiring to know her Savior more each day and not waste it away.

Hope

Why is it so hard to hope at times...
It's actually easier to not hope, because then you don't get let down if what you are hoping for doesn't happen. Which if you want to dig deep and really find the root issue of why it is hard for you to hope it can be many things such as: fear of rejection, self hatred, lack of confidence...you name it.
I struggled with fear of rejection for a good part of my high school years up until last fall when God showed me how I was letting it keep me from living my life. Praise Jesus He has set me free from this and I am walking in freedom! And this is why I have a hard time hoping for some things..because my first reaction is to protect myself from being rejected.

I think God is challenging me to hope for something that seems quite impossible right now...and it's the hardest thing I've ever done. But I am going to do what seems quite crazy,ridiculous, and at times feels stupid, and hope-for the impossible.